I work obscenely hard, often to the detriment of myself and
my beautifully stoic partner. I value and love my profession, all the more so
after meandering aimlessly through life picking the easy option wherever
available. Only a seismic shift in my circumstances (turning 30, forced
redundancy, a break with my old lifestyle) jarred me into finally forcing
myself to fulfil my potential rather than run from it – and teaching seemed the
ideal way for me to combine my passions and talents in a meaningful way.
I served time at the coal-face, with two years subsisting on
the miserly pay-packets doled out to teaching assistants, then scraped through
a PGCE whilst paying a mortgage. For this, I expect no praise: I am no martyr.
My aim is merely to illustrate the determination I demonstrated and the
hardship I endured to become a teacher.
Having acquired QTS, I really started work. I threw
myself into teaching, asking ridiculous amounts of myself, convinced that every
time a school holiday arrived my physical being and my over-reaching ambition would
be briefly reunited as I caught up with my marking, planning, living and
breathing.
It never happens.
It will never happen.
Today, I am at a very low ebb. Despite my grizzled exterior,
I am usually a pleasant and positive person. I growl at injustice and am
angered by idiocy and ineptitude, but have learned that optimism is far
healthier than cynicism. Yet today I feel jaded. Miserable. Maybe even
defeated.
This feeling comes despite me never having felt more
confident on my ability as a teacher. I am better than ever, of that I have no
doubt. I have improved in every conceivable way, and this progress has accelerated
in the last few weeks. I’m planning schemes of work I feel confident enough to
share with the world, my classes are making obvious and visible progress, I feel
valued and valuable. And yet…
Something is not right.
We have Ofsted coming into school and there are
understandable concerns, worries and pressures. The realisation that my work will
be scrutinized concerns me – I wasn’t very good in the early days and people
are now going to notice the work I didn’t mark, the lack of progress my pupils
made, the things I didn’t do. I will be judged and, no matter what the outcome,
I will judge myself even more harshly.
The drive to provide evidence, data, statistics and proof of
progress is demanding and somehow demeaning – can that classroom alchemy which
happens when my pupils are on song be reduced to entries on a fucking spreadsheet?
Do those numbers really matter? Who
is education for? The people compiling league tables or the pupils?
That education is at the top of the news agenda appals me.
Whether it’s Gove, Wilshaw, Kirby, PISA, closing gaps, widening gaps, dumbing
down, PPA, pensions, pay, public spats over public schools, free schools, faith
schools, longer school days, striking teachers, trenchant unions or any other
issue, the only thing we ever hear about school is what is wrong with it.
It seems to me that teachers are better than ever, but we
work in a time when they are scapegoated, disrespected and blamed – often by
those who should be doing most to protect them – for the failings of a system
in which teachers’ ability is secondary to their accountability.
It’s not a system I want to work in, but I worked too damned
hard to give in. Something has got to give.